Virginia Woolf said it best, “A woman needs a room of her own”, and that is truer today in our fast-charged lives than ever before. When my children were small, I didn’t realize the value of having some time alone. It took me many years of yelling and screaming and generally being a grumpy old mom to learn that I must have some time alone periodically to recharge my batteries. It is difficult in a family for the mother to justify time for herself. The focus is on the group and the needs of one person can get lost in the shuffle, especially when those needs are a mother’s needs.
A mother’s job description is to take care of the family. Even in this enlightened age of shared parenting, the concept of a mother giving her all to the family is still alive. I expected (the harshest demands often coming from myself) to be all things to all members of my family and to put my own desires last on the ‘to do’ list. My needs are seldom addressed and I can easily wear down against the endless demands. Now I understand that I can have too much family time and desperately need a break. I have come to accept that and not feel guilty about those feelings.
Breaks of any length can be hard to find. I thought I was always supposed to be there for my family. I really didn’t expect to care about anything else but my family’s well being. Because of this perception on the part of others (and even myself), I needed a periodic break more than anyone else in the family. So much life is sucked out of me as I give so much to those around me, I must have some time to refill my own energy reserves too. It is vitally important to the well-being of the entire family that I, the mother, recharge.
After many years of discontent, I am a firm advocate of taking time to recharge the batteries. I know a little boy whose first words when something doesn’t work is, “Broke. Batteries.” This is true for mothers too.
It can be so difficult to find the time to recharge those batteries but it is also extremely crucial for us all to make the time, even mothers. It is especially hard with small children but I finally realized it was for the good of my children, and that helped relieve the guilt and made me take it more seriously.
Once the kids were a little older, it was easier for me to claim some time and space for myself. Finding a spare room to retreat to added enjoyment and much needed relaxation to my world. I didn’t always have an entire room, and found that even a small corner could work. A place to decorate with things I loved to look at and touch added beauty to a life filled with endless errands. Perhaps more important than the physical space is the mental break that comes with some time alone in a space I love.
I learned that a mother isn’t a machine despite my seemingly endless energy reserves to always be there to fix everything. I must have an outlet, something I enjoy and am willing to sacrifice family time to pursue. A hobby that helps me relax will make everyone in the family happier too.
A room of one’s own? I think Virginia was on to something. Having a space and time for myself enables me to get those batteries recharged so I can be nice to those loved ones around me instead of just taking care of them. I remind myself that it is the love and happiness they will remember, not the care taking.